Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Where are the Me's?

On this journey. It's so hard. So much wrapped up inside me. I share compulsively in hopes that I will be understood. I doubt many will ever. I don't have much time left. I need to accomplish. I must accomplish. There are things that I want. There are things that I don't want. I'm itching all over right now I can't stand it. I'm at a breaking point. Faced with the reality of a dream. Will it ever come to pass? Is late really better than never? I am hurting inside. I speak so much that no one listens anymore. My words have become irrelevant. I'm not sure what to do or who I am anymore. If I did know who I was, which I'm sure I do, then is this person suitable for the world? It doesn't seem like I fit too easily. Where are the Me's? I know of one. Why am I itching so horribly? I feel like shit right now. Everyone's always watching me. Or are they? I need food right now. But I have no money. And when I do have a small amount, it's gone in just as little time. I must break out of this cycle. I feel like crying, like breaking apart. I thought I was prepared for hard work. I am. I don't think I am prepared for what I feel as rejection. How the hell am I supposed to be an artist? Why the hell doesn't anyone care about what I do? Just you wait. All of you. Fuck them all I say. Fuck them all. 

Friday, June 14, 2013

I wake up in the morning thinking I am so blessed to be allowed to live yet another day. When I was younger, I thought to myself, none of my closest relatives have died, no one I know has died, I am healthy, and all that stuff that happens to people on the news and in movies probably will never happen to me. I would create my own odds. Then, when people started dying around me, and things in the news and movies got really close to home, I started freaking out. Like it's only a matter of time now. I am doomed.

But I'm not doomed. God gives me a peace that cannot be understood with our earthly limitations of thought. I just take a deep breath and know that I am okay. I actually have no other choice but to believe everything will be alright. It's either that or living in fear. And I am tired of living in fear, it drains you of happiness. Often times, I think of the people who opened their eyes to a hospital ceiling, or to an in-home nurse who has to lift them into their wheel chair, or of the children who aren't blessed with the luxuries of America, and wake up to no food for the whole day.

I have always been striving to make it in life, and during the moments I feel like a complete failure because I haven't reached my goals, I sit back and think, I am alive. I can walk and bathe myself. I have food I can cook and it's actually enjoyable to eat. I can drive to where ever my gas tank permits and buy what ever my wallet agrees to. All of my bills are accounted for. My remaining family is alive and healthy. I have been blessed. I am free. I am happy. 

Thursday, June 13, 2013


Stories are the one thing that will last throughout the ages. Whether truth, fantastical or somewhere in between, stories are what keep the generations linked. I'd like to tell some stories of my own one day. I am drawn to the fantastical, the historical and all that lies in the middle. Sometimes, stories are a big blur of fiction and reality. My memories seem to fall into that category. The mind will add tidbits of fiction delicately throughout the memories of your life. Memories, stories, dreams...all funny things. Those that can be so easily tampered by our fickle minds. What can you actually trust? Our minds have been tampered with since before we entered into life. Perceived truth can very well be fantastical, and fantasy, well fantasy is probably just fantasy. The real truth will always be hidden in plain sight until the end of times.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Very Random

Tighten logic with malleable spanners..

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Inspirational Ingredients

I am learning to use any and everything as inspiration. All ingredients, whether sweet or sour can be used in a way that create something amazing. Just have to be creative and motivated. Continue to strive for happiness. Always.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Love in My Mind

Lost in my dreams I met a man.
I fell in complete love with him.
We spent the whole night together.
But I realized when I woke up, He wasn't there.
I created him deep in my mind
Only to find him when I slept.
It seems to be that I can only see him in my dreams
But I wish to meet him in reality.
Too bad he doesn't exist.
Is it possible to be in love with someone who does not exist?
I will attempt this relationship with my subconscious love
Late at night as I sleep, He will be there.
Living Love Through My Dreams...

Sunday, June 20, 2010

To the Thinker, From the Scattered Mind

Dear Thinker,
I have decided to write this before my now fresh thoughts go stale and get buried deep under piles of rubbish and confusion. I am trying this new approach to writing now. I am just going for it, I will just write. With that being said, let me begin. We are much alike. Thought consumes our minds, like a thousand and one pacmen munching on whatever open space there is left in our brains. There is a full range of thought spanning from the extremely important to the not-so important. But I tend to often forget the important stuff and dwell on the not-so's. Everything gets scattered... I can almost see the trillions of words bouncing rapidly around in your mind when I look into your eyes. Or perhaps I could be catching a reflection of my own mind through your eyes. Now I will sit and do what we do best, about you. Well at least until we speak again.

Until next time,
A Scattered Mind

Ceasing Structure

I wish I could record my thoughts with a tape recorder. As I think them, they instantly travel from my mind into a device that can capture all of the things that dance around in my mind. It is just too difficult for some odd reason for me to write them as I think. This is because as I think them, before I can write them down, I have to analyze the thoughts first and then put them in some 'proper' order. I have to rearrange the thoughts into functional sentences with correct grammar. The thoughts must make sense to the world. Not sure why I need to translate my brain into what is understood by the world. I might want to be heard. Understood. I want to stop rearranging. Stop putting things in order. Whatever comes out, comes out. I can't care about the world. I'll let them do the work and figure me out. I guess that's the fun of it all right?

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Sigh for [dis]Satisfaction.

I am still not satisfied. But this shall do for now. Cursed with a fatal case of indecisiveness, I seem to be struggling with this blog background. I have been looking for days and days. I am not as morbid as one would think, I just prefer a black background. When I close my eyes, there is darkness. There, I am inside my mind. As I am now, here. Blue is great, Red is fabulous, Yellow is amazing, Green is spectacular...but I crave dark! Who knows. We shall see. But I won't be satisfied until I feel it is perfect.
Anyways....I need to shoot more. No recent pictures of anything really. Need some visuals soon. Very soon indeed.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

10 lists of Ten

As much as I hate numbers, I love counting. I guess it comes from being a musician. But I don't know sometimes. I count up from one...I count down from ten. Everything gets counted. Seems like it is one of the only ways to inject order into my chaotic world. Counting...yes! I love lists. I should write a dozen lists. Random lists. 50 random lists. I could make lists out of lists and count them down from 50. Yes! Okay let's start with ten. Less ambitious. 10. Ten lists of Ten. Coming Soon....

To The Best Person Ever

Dear Best Person Ever,

I have also made a list of my thoughts to you. Please read the following:

1. Thank you for reading.
2. You are awesomelyamazinglyterrificlyGreat.
3. When will you begin your writing? [officially]
4. Facebook Statuses don't count :/
5. You sooo understand me, thank you.
6. You'd make a great writer, you are because you are a great thinker.
7. Writing begins as thoughts. You need thought to write.
8. People say I think too much....by what measurement are they using to make this conclusion?
9. Someone please direct me to the thought measurement scale.
10. Do I talk too much?
11. Yea...
12. Oh well....
13. Start writing please...and put up some of your other work.
14. ;)



Monday, June 7, 2010

Wish List

I will put these things out into the universe. Hopefully they will come to me or I stumble upon them.

1.Tape Recorder: To record all of the thoughts that disease my mind.

I need them out and writing sometimes takes too much time.

2. New Jeans: Just too many holes, splits and rips. I need a pair that fits.

3. Time: Who am I kidding, I won't find time even if I sat and waited for it.

4. Bowtie: They're just cool. I don't know why.

5. Hiding Place: For when I need to be away....like today.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Dear Wanda,

Thank you
The small thing you did for me today means so much.
I dont know you, but it was nice to meet you.
I may not ever see you again, but thank you.
You've made a small but deep impact on my life and situation today.
You don't know how much that meant to me. Thank you.
Let me pass on your kindness. Good luck to you and your mother.
From what you've told me, she's not doing to well.
We share something in common but different.
Mine will continue to gain strength, but I am deeply sorry for you.
The smallest things count the most sometimes.
And you've really helped me.
Not everything can be measured by a dollar.
I appreciate you silent understanding.

Forever grateful,

Cousin Eddie

I miss you. I didn't come to see you before you left because I wanted to keep my memory of you close. You were lively and energetic. A wonderful person. A happy person. Always smiling. Thank you for being in my life. I love you always.

R.I.P. Cousin Eddie

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

My date with P. Noir

Hints of blackberry. Strong but subtle after time. Dark and smooth. I can feel it as it goes down. Leaving me feeling oh so good.

Walking across the street with a friend.

Pictures of the beautiful Bowling Green

Pics I took a while back...well except the ones with me in them (yellow)

My friend and aspiring model Janelle

Sunday, May 30, 2010

I'm Ready

I am FEELIN' it.
The time has come and it is so close I can smell it.
Opportunities are for those who seek them.
Open your eyes and find what you have been looking for,
I can assure you it is right there staring you in the face.
It was staring me in mine.
I've been building up the passion
now I've FINALLY got the time.
It is mine all mine!
And I love it.
The world of creative souls surround me.
I will watch, learn, teach, and reach for the top.
I can't wait.
My time is here. No time to fear.
I'm ready...so let's begin.

Monday, May 24, 2010

My High

I feel a high after I do certain things.
I have learned to rely on myself as a source of happiness.
So grateful.
I thank you...
You as in:
Every person who has made me mad.
Every person who has made me feel anxious.
Every person who has made me feel guilty.
Every person who has made me feel ashamed.
Every person who has made me feel sad.
I thank myself for overcoming these feelings and choosing happiness overall.
Note to self-Find the beauty in all things and draw from only positive energy.
Do not become defeated...yourself is relying on it.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


I feel closer than ever to what I have been waiting for. A time where creativity, thought, inspiration and self-expression are changing from scattered phases to a consistent part of my existence. Over time, one does not notice the change within oneself, it just sort of happens. You then sit back and reflect and become aware of the aspects that have stayed the same, the ones that have grown stronger, the ones that have changed. At this point in my life, I can feel the changes as they occur, intrinsically speaking of course. I can feel a glowing pulse of energy right in the center of my core. It makes me happy. It spreads to my arms, through my hands and to my fingertips. It spreads to my legs, through my feet and to my toes. This warm, glowing feeling of life, of my self. I am in harmony, at times, with the Earth around me. I become linked with the surrounding energies, letting life flow right through me. Recharging me like a battery. Replenshing me as if I were a plant rooted in the earth. Feelings transform into thoughts as it reaches my mind. I am left with its purest essence. Something similar to the purest single drop of oil that comes from a few dozen roses. Like oil from a rose, I free my emotions. Letting them live through sound, words, paper, colors, images, textures, aromas, anything aesthetic in a sense. I find myself falling deeply in love with this feeling. A feeling I must cultivate. I can't wait.

Saturday, April 17, 2010


I feel something great is coming. I am not so sure of what it is yet, but I can't wait. There is something out there that is calling me, I just don't know where to look. I sit and listen to Coltrane's My Favorite Things and fall in love with the music over and over again. There is one particular version that I just adore. It makes me want to daydream about a life I want to have. What is stopping me? I bet Coltrane has all the answers. I know he does. So I'll just keep on listening until he shows me want I need to see. Whatever it is, I think I'm ready.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Universal Symbols

Egypts sacred eye symbol...called utchat. The eye is the symbol of spiritual ability because it is the part of the body that is able to recognize light. The left eye symbolizes the moon. It is called the Eye of Thoth. The right eye is symbolic of the sun which is called the Eye of Ra. The right eye, Ra, is controlled by the left side of the brain. Therefore, it deals with factual information. It represents things of a more concrete nature...words, numbers etc. The left eye, Thoth, is controlled by the right side of the brain. Feelings, thoughts and intuition are controlled by this side; seeing things aesthetically and abstractly. Usually it is believed that male conceptualization revolves around the sun as female revolves around the moon. Many theories and ideas, from culture to culture use these same principles. Right versus left, male versus female, fact versus intuition, logic versus emotion, the universe must be balanced.

Nutrition Necessary

So I have decided to start paying attention to my health a bit more. Well, more specifically my nutritional health. With the help of my best friend, I am learning what I should and should not be eating. I have just been feeling so crappy lately, no energy, dizzy...the works. And I am starting to believe it is because I just have not been eating that much. Also, I have been missing out on a lot of sleep. That combination is just no good, especially for a person like me. Naturally, my body just burns tons and tons of calories a day and I haven't been having much to replace them with. Of course I could try and blame it indirectly to just being flat out broke, but I think it stems a little bit deeper than that. I need to get educated and equipped with nutritional knowledge so that I can live a more healthy and energized day to day life. I am going to be trying new things and figuring out what works, and what doesn't work. I am thinking about creating a separate blog for this possibly, not sure yet. But if I do, it would be designed only for the purposes of figuring out how to get healthy! Hmm maybe I should. I think I might. I don't know. It's hard enough managing this one (okay no its not). But still, we shall see. We shall see....

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Smelling to Sickness

Sometimes I want to write, but I have nothing to say. So I just write what comes to mind at the time. Recording each thought that pops up in my head. I'm sitting, becoming more and more overwhelmed by someones excruciatingly heavy perfume. It is making me sick. I wonder if they know how counterproductive it was for them to apply that much perfume this morning. You try and smell good but you become horrible smelling in the process. Could it be over-compensation? Spare me and my nasal passages next time. I have to leave, I'm getting sick.

Till next time,

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Shadow People

There are shadows everywhere. Shadows that follow people around every step that they take. Darkness within light. People have shadows. If there are ghosts, spirits....whatever one would call them...they might have shadows too. If one is in complete darkness, then it is because of all of the spirits surrounding them, their shadows swallow light. One complete darkness at night. But not to worry, they will not get you. For if they move, then there is an ounce of light.


Such a creation
Not just one, but an entire combination
Of all colors in the spectrum of light
One complete civilization
With an undivided right.

A white light.
What does that mean to thee?
As I come to the end of my life,
It's there to guide me
I begin my journey as a soul that's free.

No future

So I just heard that the future of our world depends on math, science and technology. So I guess I have no place in the future then....Anyone know of any good buildings to jump off of?

Second Life Risks

Whatever you want to do, just go and do it. Don't wait around for your second life, re-incarnation is cool but it may be a little risky. You might have had plans to be a pilot in your next life because you can't seem to get up and do it now, but you might be a re-incarnated into a snail or a blade of grass. And that's just not cool.